英语幽默小故事

李星玥

Very Pleased to Meet You

　　During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

　　One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.

　　Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

　　Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."

　　"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.

　　"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."

　　"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"

　　在第二次世界大战中，有许多年轻的妇女在军营中服役。琼.飞利浦斯是其中之一。她在一个大军营中工作，当然遇到了许多男士，包括军官和士兵。

　　一天晚上她在舞会上遇到了军官汉弗雷斯。他对她说，“我明天就要出国，但如果我们能够相互写信，我会很高兴。”琼同意了，于是他们几个月里一直通着信。

　　后来，他再没有来信。她收到了另一个军官的信，告诉她，他受伤了，住在英格兰的某个部队医院里。

　　琼到了医院，她对护士长说，“我来看望军官汉弗雷斯。”

　　“这里只有亲属可以探望病人。”护士长说。

　　“噢，是的，”琼说，“我是他的妹妹。”

　　“很高兴认识你，”护士长说，“我是他的母亲。

李星玥

Two Soldiers
　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
　　军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”
　　比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。
　　乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。
　　这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”
　　比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。
　　乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。
　　“你还要什么?”比尔问。
　　乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

李星玥

Five Months Older
　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
　　"How old are you?" he said.
　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.
　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
　　大五个月
　　第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。
　　可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。
　　“你多大了?”军医问。
　　“十八，长官。”约翰说。
　　“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”
　　约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”

李星玥

West Point
　　My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."
　　One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."
　　父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好让我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”
　　一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”

李星玥

Present for Girlfriend
　　At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
　　The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."
　　送给女友的礼物
　　在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的礼物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗?”珠宝商问道。
　　那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”

李星玥

Be Careful What You Wish For
　　A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
　　During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
　　The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
　　Next, it was the husband‘s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
　　The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
　　慎重许愿
　　一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。
　　庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。
　　妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。
　　接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”
　　仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯!”，他变成了90岁。

李星玥

Wood Fire
　　One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal. "Husbands are like wood fires; they go out if left unattened."
　　"Does that mean," asked the other, "that they make ashes of themselves?"
　　森林之火
　　一名妇女向她最好的朋友大谈雄性动物的特性：“丈夫们就像是森林里的火，一不注意，他们就会燃烧起来。”
　　“那是不是意味着，”另一个问道，“他们将自己烧成灰烬?”

李星玥

　Best Reward
　　A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.
　　"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I‘d pulled you out, they‘d chuck me in."
　　最好的奖赏
　　一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何才能酬谢他。
　　“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”

李星玥

Napoleon Was Ill
　　Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.
　　"He‘s a good boy," said Jack‘s father, "and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."
　　"No, no, that‘s quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!"
　　"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack‘s father. "You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."
　　拿破仑病了
　　杰克到一所大学去学历史。第一学期结束时，历史课教授没让他及格。学校让他退学。然而，杰克的父亲决定去见教授，强烈要求让杰克继续来年的学业。
　　“他是个好孩子，”杰克的父亲说：“您要是让他这次及格，我相信他明年会有很大进步，学期结束时，他一定会考好的。”
　　“不，不，那不可能，”教授马上回答。“你知道吗?上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的，他都不知道。”
　　“先生，请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说：“你不知道，恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸。我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”

李星玥

He Was Only Wrong by Two
　　Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enought to be accepted by the college.
　　One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination. "Well," the dean said after some persuasion, "I‘d better ask him a few questions first."
　　Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.
　　At last the dean said, "Well, what‘s five times seven?"
　　The student thought for a long time and then answered, "Thirty-six."
　　The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, "Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two."
　　他的得数只比正确答案多二
　　杰克霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练，他竭力想物色好球员。但是好球员学业不行，院方不愿录取。
　　有一天，教练带着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长，希望院方同意他免试入学。经过一番劝说后院长说：“那我最好先问问他几个问题。”
　　然后他转向学生，问了几个非常简单的问题。可是那个学生一个也答不上来。
　　最后院长说：“那么，五乘七得多少?”
　　学生想了很久，然后回答说：“三十六。”
　　院长摊开双手失望地看了看教练。可是教练认真地说，“噢，录取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正确答案多二。”