以爱之名：真爱教会我们的17堂课

何航

Love. It makes the world go round, right? Well, at least that’s the how the saying goes. But is it true? It should be, but so many people confuse love with things like jealousy or possessiveness. True love isn’t either of those things. But these 17 things are. So here are the lessons that real love teaches us: 有句话叫做“爱让世界转动”，果真如此么？应该是吧。可是，很多人却把嫉妒或占有误以为是爱。真爱既不是嫉妒也不是占有。但下面这17个蕴意却能阐释爱。请看真爱能教会我们什么吧：

1. Love means letting go of expectations
爱意味着抛开期望
Sure, we all want people to behave the way we want them to. We want them to be more affectionate. Or more outgoing. Or smarter. Or more ambitious. All of these things are expectations. Expectations are just your requirements for "acceptability" of loving someone. But true love has no expectations. It simply loves "as is".
自然，我们都希望别人能成为我们所期望的那样。我们要求他们更柔情、更阳光、更聪明或更有抱负。所有这些都是期望，而期望就是你“愿意”爱上某人的条件。可是，真爱并不尽是期望——真爱是能够接受对方本来的样子。
2. Love doesn’t play the victim role or blame others
爱没有“玻璃心”，也不会苛责对方
Love works together. It takes responsibility. It forgives and allows other people’s actions to be their journey. Love doesn’t take things personally.
爱是同心协力，是同舟共济，是宽容对方并放手让对方启程。爱不会狭隘地斤斤计较。
3. Love includes letting go
爱也是放手
Love doesn’t equal possession. Just as the saying goes, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, then it never was". There is truth to that. Love allows people their freedom. It doesn’t hold tightly and crush their wings in attempt to keep them. True love doesn’t want to possess. It is willing to set you free if you want to be.
爱不等于占有。常言道：“如果你喜欢它，就请给它自由。它若能再回来，便是你的；若不愿回来，那么它永远也不会属于你。” 确实如此呵!爱会给对方自由。爱不应紧紧拽着对方，不应为了留住对方而折断他的翅膀。真爱不是占有，而是如你所愿地给你自由。
4. Love doesn’t require you to continue a relationship
爱不勉强维持
You may love someone very much. But you may not be compatible with them. Or they may drive you crazy with their continued disregard for your feelings. You can still love them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with them. Love doesn’t mean that you have to stay, and stay, and stay. You can leave the relationship and love them anyway.
或许你非常爱他，可你们根本就性格不投；或者他总漠视你的情感，让你痛苦纠缠。当然，你仍然可以爱着他，但这不表示你必须陪在他身边。爱不是强作维持无奈停留。你可以选择离开，但在心里仍然爱着对方。
5. Love has no room for jealousy
爱没有嫉妒
Like possession, jealousy doesn’t equal love. We think that if we’re not jealous of our loved ones that it means that we don’t love them. True love has confidence in the quality of the relationship. It knows that the other person is happy and content coming back to you, and only you.
和占有欲一样，嫉妒也不是爱。我们以为要是不嫉妒吃醋，就表示我们根本不爱对方。其实，真爱完全相信彼此关系多么可靠，确信那个人会很开心地选择你——而且只有你。
6. Love is the absence of fear
爱没有恐惧
You can put all emotions on a continuum. On one end, you have love. Then appreciation. After that, it’s joy, happiness, contentment, and satisfaction. On the opposite end of the continuum of love is fear. Other fear-based emotions include, hatred, insecurity, jealousy, or greed.
将所有情绪排列顺序，从头开始是爱、感恩、喜悦、快乐、知足、满意，而排在最末尾的便是恐惧。恐惧类情绪还有憎恶、不安、嫉妒或贪婪。
7. Love is not needing and wanting
爱不是需求和渴望
One of the things we try to teach kids is that there is a clear difference between a want and a need. Needing someone is a feeling based in fear. You fear that you can’t live without them, so you need them. And remember, fear is the opposite of love. Wanting someone in your life gives them the freedom to leave, but still shows them you love them.
我们经常教导子女：渴望和需求是不一样的。你需要某人，那是因为你心藏恐惧：你害怕没了他你就无法生活，所以你需要他。可是别忘了，恐惧和爱是对立的。如果你渴望生活中出现某个人但又愿意给他离开的自由，那你才是爱他的。
8. Love is an action, not just a feeling
爱不只是感觉，更是行动
Humans tend to be addicted to intense emotion – especially when it feels good. So when we’re in love, we want to feel that way forever. But guess what? That higher than "Cloud 9" feeling goes away after a while. That doesn’t mean you don’t love the other person anymore, it just means that it’s not new anymore. So that’s where the action needs to kick in. Show the person you love them. Don’t just assume they know.
人们总是难以抗拒热烈的情感——尤其是在感觉良好的时候。所以一旦陷入爱，我们就总希望能一直那样美好。但实际上呢，那种飘飘欲仙的感觉稍纵即逝。当然，这并不表示你不再爱他，只能说新鲜劲儿过去了而已。这时就得拿出行动来证明你爱他。不要只在心里想当然认为他知道你爱他。

何航

9. Love is unconditional
爱是无条件的
The word "unconditional" means that there are no expectations or limitations set. To love unconditionally is a difficult thing, and most humans aren’t good at that. But true love really does love without trying to change the other person.
“无条件”是指没有期望或设定限制。无条件去爱不是件容易的事情，大部分人也都做不到这一点。但是，真正的爱确实不需要试图去改变对方。
10. Love means putting other people’s needs equal to – or before – your own
爱意味着“忧他人之忧”
While people may be inherently selfish for survival purposes, this does not serve us well in relationships. If you don’t put other people’s needs at least equal to your own, they will grow resentful. Real love truly, genuinely cares about other people’s happiness and will go to great lengths to make people feel valued.
为了生存，人性难免自私;但自私却不利于培养感情。如果你没能把对方的需求当成自己的事情，那么对方或许会心怀不满。真正的爱会不容置疑地“乐他人之乐”，并且尽量让对方感到受重视。
11. Love is the highest vibration emotion that there is
爱是世界上最易波动的感情
Science has proven that emotions like love and fear have very different vibrations. They can actually measure them. Love vibrates very fast, whereas fear-based emotions (think jealousy, possessiveness, hatred, greed, etc.) vibrate very slowly. When you love completely and unconditionally, there is no fear involved. The vibrations of love make you feel good at all times.
科学表明，爱和恐惧具有截然不同的波动率。这种波动率可以实际测量出来：爱波动得非常快，而恐惧类情绪(如嫉妒、占有、憎恶、贪婪等)却波动得极其缓慢。如果你是全身心无条件去爱的话，恐惧是不存在的。起伏的爱会让你一直心情高昂。
12. Love is focusing on quality, not quantity
爱注重质量而非数量
Love focuses on the quality of your relationship, not its longevity. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, "It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" Just because your relationship lasts a long time doesn’t mean that you have true love. Real love can be very brief. Therefore, quality and quantity of love are not the same things.
爱重在彼此关系的质量，而非相处了多长时间。相信你肯定听说过这句话——宁愿去爱去迷失，也总比不曾爱过的好。就算你们已经相处很长时间，也不表示你们就是真心相爱。真爱可以很短暂。所以说，爱质量和爱数量完全是两码事。
13. Love requires attention
爱需要关注
Love doesn’t ignore. It doesn’t look the other way. It wants to be present and be together. When people are in love, sometimes they think that they don’t have to "do any more work". But real love actually enjoys giving attention to another person. It feels good, and doesn’t see giving attention to another person as a chore.
爱不可视而不见，不可心有旁骛;爱需要即时即刻在一起。有些人以为相爱时无需“多此一举”，但真正的爱其实是需要给予对方关注的。关心对方会让你感到开心，而且一点也不觉得琐碎麻烦。
14. Love understands and accepts differences
爱理解并接受差异
Let’s face it. We’re all different. Even identical twins aren’t exactly the same. They have different experiences and outlooks about the world. Real love doesn’t make other people wrong for being different. When people truly love another person, they accept their differences.
事实上人各有异。即便是长得相似的双胞胎也并不完全一样，他们也会有不同的经历和世界观。真正的爱不会因为对方不同而加以指责。若是真心相爱，人们会接受各自的差异。
15. Love varies in how it is expressed and accepted
表达与接受方式不同，爱也随之各异。
What makes us "feel loved" varies. In the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, he explains the different ways people give and receive love: (1) Words (2) Acts of Service, (3) Giving Gifts, (4) Spending Time Together, and (5) Touch. It’s important to discover other people’s love language so you can understand each other and give love in a way that the other person recognizes it.
人们陷入爱的方式各有不同。在《爱的五种语言》一书中，盖瑞-恰普曼阐释了人们给予并接受爱的不同方式：(1)言语，(2)提供帮助，(3)赠送礼物，(4)共享时光，(5)肢体接触。因此，观察对方的爱语言很重要，这样你就能了解彼此，并以对方能够接受的方式表达爱意。
16. Love makes you feel good, not bad
爱让你情绪愉悦，而非低落
Many people confuse being in a relationship with love. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean there is true love present. If there is jealousy, possessiveness, constant fighting, abuse (verbal, emotional, or physical), that is not love. Refer back to #6. Those are fear-based emotions and actions.
许多人分不清相处和爱。两人相处并不一定就是真心相爱。如果伴有嫉妒、占有、经常性争吵，甚至口头、情感或身体上的暴力，那根本就不是爱。正如前面第6条所言，这些都是恐惧类的情绪和行为。
17. Love has empathy
爱能产生同感共鸣
Empathy is the ability to put yourself into another person’s shoes and see a situation from his/her point of view. Love has deep empathy. "When you hurt, I hurt". People who truly love one another don’t want to hurt them. They want them to feel good. They care about their feelings and try everything they can to make them feel valued and worthy.
同感共鸣就是你要能站在对方立场并从对方角度看待情况。爱能产生强烈的共鸣。“你痛，我也痛。”所以真正相爱的人不忍伤害对方。他们希望看到对方开开心心，他们关心对方的情绪，愿意做任何事情让对方感到被重视。
Remember, love is happiness, appreciation, and feeling good. Anything other than that is not love. If we all loved one another as ourselves, the world would be a better place!
请记住：爱是快乐，是感恩，是心情愉悦。除此之外则并非爱。如果我们都能以爱己之心去爱他人，这个世界将会变得更加美好！